Monday, December 14, 2015

Never ignore your dating rules.


I once went on a date - nay - two dates with a man we'll call Dave.

Because that's his real name. 

Dave works for Goldman Sachs. It's a steadfast rule of mine to not date within the banking industry. We're just too culturally different and this holds particular weight in Hong Kong.  However, Dave made me laugh.  And I needed laughter in light of how I came to encounter Dave in the first place. 

I met Dave because a man I agreed to meet for a drink from Tinder was late to our date.  I got on Tinder, because a man I was involved with in real life, suggested I try it out.

Cue the hurt heart, cue the Tinder revenge, cue the fifteen minutes Tinder revenge leaving me waiting, cue the perfect amount of freshly chilled white wine in a bucket, saddled next to...Dave. 

I was relieved. Although Dave drank a bit, he also seemed like a funny, and available guy.

And so what, he fell out of his chair whilst trying to take a selfie the first night we met? For Hong Kong standards, that's any given Wednesday *grimace*

Dave and I had two glorious dates. One, was dinner and a birthday out on the town with my friends. Dave paid for my dinner. He also paid for a few drinks. He also bought a round of shots for my friends and vice versa. 

Dave also took me to lunch around three days later. I was impressed at his interest.

I was raised in the mecca of well bred men who rarely make dates pay for much. It has messed with my expectations towards dating for the rest of the world.  Therefore, when Dave paid for my lunch on our second date, I didn't think it was a reason to write home - it was fairly standard procedure.

This is where Dave and I conflict, because he did want to write about it. He specifically wanted to get dressed up as Santa, have a pint or twelve, and THEN write about it.This is where those dating rules come into play.

Let's break down where our cultural clash takes place, shall we? :


Now, this approach to addressing something that bothers Dave, is textbook corporate HR approach to dealing with a problem employer.  I, like Dave, also like to point out the positives, before directly addressing the point of discomfort.

Note: Dave makes it a priority to let me know, not only do I tick his boxes, but I'm also pretty great. (In most ways.) He goes on to calmly explain that my actions, or rather lack of action in reaching for my wallet, disappointed him.

Unfortunately, these tactics, don't always have the desired result in real time, romance.  Inevitably, the confronting party has a tendency to perform what I call a "hard back pedal" 


It's quite touching really when you think about it.  Dave is so incredibly in to me, that he can't even put it into words. It might be that he used all his words to tell me how disappointed he was that I haven't bought him a drink in the 72 hours we've known each other.  

Sometimes, in the midst of these cultural misunderstandings and discussions, it's best to give the other party and yourself the option to walk away from the conversation.  Cool down.  Take a day to genuinely reflect over things.   


Sometimes, they ignore the offer entirely and verbally vomit all over the situation in hopes of saying that one magical thing that will reel the person on the other line back in. Like, offering a bath and red wine.


In the end, sometimes the cultural clash is too strong and you've both got to accept that there are things no amount of texts will be able to fix.


Your dating rules are there for a reason.  Don't ignore them.